glazed stare

For a breif moment we catch eachother's gaze.
I fear that your eyes will find their way inside my mind and see what I'm really worth.
They'll see my memories from the past 17 and a half years,
They'll see the secrets I've promised to never tell
and all the boys I've ever kissed, loved, and lied to.
They'll see the regrets that cross my mind every so often.
& I Fear that they too, will now cross your mind also.
I fear those eyes of yours will search every corner of my mind & see every thought i've ever thought up,
Everydream iIve ever dreamt,
& every wish thats never coming true.
I fear your fixated gaze will bring out all the supressed emotions that i've tried to forget.
Your eyes, they cause everything in my mind to swirl into a giant mess of emotions, feelings and mystery.
And all the while I'm to much of a wreak over your stare to try to look inside your mind to see what makes you tick,
& what makes you happy to live and love,
& to see what moments you charish,
hopefully a few dealing with me.
But no,
I'm to overcome with my own emotions to realize any of this.
The thought of the very escape of all that is me from just an extended action from the one whom I would like to share eveything with causes me to do what I am best at,
look away.

I'm sorry.
This is the truth.

So, I've come to the conclusion....

I, Kaylan Rae, do in fact, most likely:
.cry more than anyone else

I think it's the truth. I pity myself too much. I think to much. I get to happy at times. I just overexagerate everything leeding me to cry. That's my philosophy.
I've very hidden about it mainly. I don't cry in front of others but leave me by my self for a good 30 minutes and the tears will roll.

I've also come to the conclusion that: I HATE ANGELS AND AIRWAVES!
all summer erika wouldn't let me listen to it. She had a reason. It was a good one. A really good reason. But i love the music, i love the lyrics and the melody and the rythm and just everything about that band... but i hate them at the same time.
so many memories

i don't think i like memories.
i seem to remember the sad ones more than the good ones, which can't be too healthy.
But i'm not mentally healthy. Nope.

I was walking down the hall today in school, thinking about nothing. I'm good at that.
I caught a smell.
-pot and good smelling cologne-... it smelt soooo GOOD.
it reminded me of something and then i wanted to run from the smell. RUN right down the hall, down the 3 flights of stairs, out the door and to my car, and not stop running until i was safety locked into my car.

I don't deal with things to well. My heart is MINE! only i can control it. And if it's fucked up, well, i just don't know how to fix it.

This week has just been weird.
I don't know why. I just know that i don't like it very much.
And i need to find a way to fix it or things wont turn out good.

I'm lost.
find me.

-Kaylan