with the good always comes bad

"The aftermath of a relationship is always difficult in my eyes.
on one hand, you have devoted countless hours and endless emotions to your estranged counterpart. you forged a strong friendship and an honest relationship. you stayed up until three in the morning, excited to learn anything and everything about this new individual. you traveled together. you slept together. you were together in times of turmoil, you were together in times of jubilance. you were together, for better or for worse. you were ecstatic.
promises were made. sentences frequently began with “when we get married” or “when we have children.” you expected this relationship to be the one, to stand the test of time. you were sad when separated for extended periods of time, and you grew giddy when you knew the distance was closing. you shared your deepest, darkest secrets. everything seemed right.
but then, just as suddenly as it escalated, things began to change. arguments became more frequent and more heated. some of the things that you once cherished about this individual became slightly concerning. a shadow of a doubt crept in when you weren’t looking. all of the sudden, your level of certainty drops from 100% to 99.9%.
perhaps it is simply human nature. the more you become attached to someone, the more you worry about eventual heartbreak. the closer you get to love, the more wary you become. a breakup is easy if no one cares too much. but the more you care, the more it hurts. mathematically speaking, the level of commitment is directly proportional to the level of risk. can you really trust this individual with your heart? or, perhaps more importantly, can you trust yourself?
regardless of the reasons, relationships end. and then what?
can you really hope to resume your friendship? certainly not immediately. potentially never again. a line has been crossed. friends don’t get passionate with each other. friends talk about anything and everything with candid honesty. friends give advice, and accept advice, with no possibility of an ulterior motive. can the same be said for past flames?
i have met folk along the way who maintain solid friendships with their exes. they point out the obvious advantages of a cherished friend. i have been asked to do the same. but i don’t see how people do it. perhaps their relationships were more concrete than mine. or perhaps they were less passionate. perhaps they are more mature than me, or less sensitive. i don’t know exactly why, but i just can’t do it. it is too difficult. how can your heart mend when the person that captured it is still a figure in your life?
my recovery process begins with complete and utter separation. i immerse myself in my friends, my job, exercise, books and cooking. anything to keep my mind distracted. i cannot stomach photos, letters, or memories of happier times without feeling the vacancy in my heart. it is agonizing. i start with a miniscule amount of distance, and each day it grows a little. it is a slow process by any standards. but it would take a lifetime if i was constantly reminded of better times. i stumble upon an unexpected setback each time i hear the sound of a voice, a laugh, a song or a story from better times. let alone the actual contributor.
maybe i have overlooked something. perhaps someone out there holds the key. if so, please enlighten me. the concept sounds so nice on paper, but it feels so wrong in reality. what am i missing? "

I love that! it's beautiful.
but makes me want to cry.
what ev bev.

I get too angry at my mom.
She makes me want to punch something
and most of the time i do.
Something hard though so the impact in immense.
Ya.
Thats how she makes me feel.

Boys still get me....
__________!
you fill it in.
I probably feel that way.

dreams are for suckers.
I don't want college 'time' to come.
Cats meow
&
dogs bark
Eventually it will happen.

call.
ring.
joke.
sigh.....
sigh.

ya I'm done.
Tonight is depressing.

'good'night