come listen to me...

When i was younger i always had that one person to listen to me cry.
they were always there for me.
They never failed me. But in the end i let them down. I'm sorry.
I hate christmas. I hate the memories i have of it form when i was a child. I miss how things were.
Christmas is jsut a reminder of what i used to have and how people i ahve no are so unreliable.
And now i find myself searching for someone who will lend there ear or perhaps hold me for some time.
I think i find them and then it end in a disaster and i lose them. I need something permanent.
Hell im only 17. what am i thinking? Nonsense. But i want it!
I don't cry often anymore. I hold this anger inside me a lot, and it comes out at the most random times. I need a healthy escape I hate those almost 'breakdowns'.
The past few days have been hard for me. I stuggle so much with my mind and i jsut want someone to fix it for me.
Christmas is coming. new years is coming.
I just want december to be covered by snow and forgotten like the grass. I don't want to deal with the worrying of getting presents, the choas, the snow, the cold, school.
Just everything.
I don't want to deal with any of that NON important stuff.
Thats what it is, in the end it's not important at all. I don't care if i get a camera this christmas when im 89. I wont care at all. All i care about is when i will die.
I am scared of death. More than ever. That is why i joke about it all the time. To try and calm my nerves. My nerves bother me alot. I can't help it. Death, it's a big thing. My mind will be lost and and heart will never beat again once death roles around. That is a big concept.
I don't want anymore people that i love to disappear from my life. I can't handle it.
I've lost friends and family.


Mr. holland's opus makes me cry.

Teachers are bitches.

I can't solve all of lifes mysteries by myself. I'm not too smart, and im not too outgoing. But i think someone can help me.

calm and careful.

i have nothing to be funny about right now. I think thats one of the common things i do. I joke about everything to try to avoid having to remember/talk/realize how messed up everything is in my life. Fix it for me please.

I just want someone.
I'll be topanga and you can be cory matthews.
Listen to me.
PLEASE?
I know i ask a lot.
But i know someone has a lot to offer.