"Have you ever loved?"

I was asked this question about a week ago & then was further reminded of it today.
In my own head I came to a final conclusion.
Of course when 1st asked this question, I blurted out "I don't know" with out even actually thinking like I should have.
That is what the one who asked me it was expecting...
an answer filled with thought and meaning.
I'm sorry.
I do that because I'm scared of what the other person might think of what I say or do.
My self confidence was close to empty.
"I have to test the waters 1st".

Anyways, the answer that I should have given was:
"I once thought I was"
And truely, I did think I was.
And although at that time,
last year,
I was then too, not able to express deep feelings very well.
I thought I loved that person and that what we had was love.
I didn't know what love was though, so I coupled it with infatuation.
But pushing, punching, screaming, and making someone feel like they have no meaning... is not love.
Tough love is not even the right description of it.
I learned that the hard way unfortunately.
Emotionally & physically.
I'm a very emotional person,
I have to hold back tears a lot.
From what I perceive, people don't notice that though.
So naturally a over the top, disfuntional relationship takes time to recover from.
But i will recover over time.
In fact I am for the most part over it all.
But it this situation I'm in now,
I am too happy with it.
It gives my life more meaning.
A natural High.
Something to look forward to.
In short, I am happy.
But also... I am sceptical.
Not of the other person, but of myself.
That somewhere down the line I will mess up, and that the other person will think I'm "psycho" in other words.
I am afraid.
I really am.
I don't want to feel as bad as I did before.
I don't think I will though.
But the worse is always in the back of my mind.
Feeding on my happiness like a tumor.
But not destroying it the least.

Really in the end.
I feel the same as that person.
I just can't voice it properly.
Atleast, not like they can.
I have my complexes.
And I hate them
I hate the way they make me and how they disable me
I think I will eventually overcome them,
others have tried in the past but obviously not hard enough.
I really just want to be able to say everything that I feel with out being so self conscious of my words.

In the end,
If I could say something to the present moment's situation and all that deals with it, I would most likely say something relatively close to:
"I love my life. I haven't been this happy for ever, and I don't want this feeling to ever decrease or disappear. EVER."







you.
catch me.
cause I'm....