a little bit of everything

Man I'm complex.
Not to say that I am the only one
because just the fact that we are humans makes us far more complex to say that we are not "complex" technically.
Mentally & physically, we are all too complex for a majority of us to even realize.
Ignorance is bliss?

I have the best of friends ever.
There is no sarcasm behind that statement what so ever.
& indeed, it is all fact.
In a sense I don't really deserve them.
no, I'm not fishing for compliments what so ever.
but it is true.
Really, I am grateful that I have them.
Thank you!

I hate the feeling of a wasted day.
I was sitting at home and realized that I really, really extremely hate sitting at home in my sweat pants doing nothing.
I can easily sit around with people i enjoy being around, but by myself can be depressing.
especially if there is no sun.
The sun was out today.
I stood in front of the window where the light was shining threw and it felt great.
I miss that kind of warmth, something non artificial.
I can't wait for summer, but most of all i can't wait for college this fall.
Oh the freedom.
I just want some freedom.
from lies, from parents.... from pretty much my whole life in general right now.
I'm so sick of Racine
I'm sick of st. cats also.
There is only a dozen or so kids that I can put up with at school.
Other than that, I don't give a flying shit about the other's lives.


Also, I was thinking & i really don't like drugs.
Now I'm going to be hypocritical but I have some logic behind this.
If I do drugs, then I like them & approve, but if someone I care about does them, I get upset.
I have control of myself and my future but I have no control over someone else's future and I don't ever REALLY know the truth of what's going on in their minds.
I'm a "glass half empty" kinda person at times & when it comes to drugs, that is one of those times.
I've been hurt before by drugs.
Had promises made to me concerning the end of drug usage.
But in the end, those promises meant nothing and the drugs were chosen over me.
They knew it was the wrong choice & that they're new friends were only there for the drugs also, but they still proved to me more important than me.
They knew that once that choice was made, things would never fully be the same.
I had no control over that situation; although, I tried so very hard to gain some control but one person can't do everything.
But that time, place, and memory mean nothing to me now,
just the fact that I hate drugs.
I don't have much to worry about now (at least i hope not), it's just a realization.

I push those away who originally push me away to help me.
hm... how to explain this... :/
well, they push me away because they don't want me to get hurt.
They expect that I'll be there in the end to come back to them.
But in my mind, I want to go threw the transition of what ever they are going through with them.
I want to be there and be able to help support them.
But then alas, when they try to regain what ever was had before, I want nothing to do with them.
That's just another realization.
I don't want that sort of thing to happen again.
& I don't expect it to happen.

I've said it before,
I'll repeat it many more times.
I am truly happy at this point in my life,
with everyone & everything in it.
Thank you, once again.
I look forward to the future though too.
A future that is just, if not more, equally happy
with those who are part of my life now and hopefully others who I meet on the way.

that is all I can think up at the moment.