you don't wear my chains

I love these song:
in the light of the sun, is there anyone? oh it has begun...oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,this world you must've crossed...you said...you don't know me, you don't even care,you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across an open field,when flowers gaze at you...they're not the only ones who crywhen they see youyou said...you don't know me, you don't even care,you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...she said i think i'll go to boston...i think i'll start a new life,i think i'll start it over, where no one knows my name,i'll get out of california, i'm tired of the weather,i think i'll get a lover and fly em out to spain...i think i'll go to boston, i think that i'm just tiredi think i need a new tow, to leave this all behind...i think i need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset,i hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...boston...where no one knows my name...
--those are the lyrics to agustana's 'boston'--its a beautiful song really--
makes me wanna cry

*thinking*
I made this picture. Thats me in up north. My brother took it. i did the editing.
think what you want. I guess. I get really bored and play around with pictures a lot.

Hm...
I'm clueless right now.

The other day i hung out with erika. We didn't do much. took pictures at a jehonvah's witness "kingdom"... church. Went to some boys house. Went to the football game. Starbucks and got free food acsue the boys there love us.. or rather Erika. And then drove around with Josh.

I've been going tanning for homecoming.
I think that just that in general is weird.
Skin cancer.
I have to die someway. Everyone dies so i guess i shouldn't worry.

Back to the music. I relate almost everything to music. I'm sure everyone does it somehow or another. But I don't like it. some 'Something Corporate' songs remind me of being in kenosha and kissing a boy in a park and at the beach and what not, and that makes me sad. I can't listen to very many songs and not get sad.
Sometimes i wish i was really stupid so i wouldn't think/relate all these objects together and i would be totally clueless on how fucked up the world is.
I wish I had the memory eraser from Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. also.
I told a boy that i wanted that machine to erase him and i think he cried. I think I could cry.

I'm on a lot of medicine I noticed.
Adderall, wellbutrin, and my synthroid.
I have to go to this retreat/ropes corse on tuesday and we had to fill out this safety sheet.
My dad put down nothing under mental illnesses, phobias, recent illnesses, or medication.
WHAT?!
...why do i even take my meds!?
I can't even go to feet off the ground before getting scared that I'm up too high.
I think i ahve cancer (I think i have a tumor in my abdomen also now) and leukemia.
I don't know I just think he should have asked me if i thought things shoudl be written on there.
But then again i don't want the whole world to know how fucked up I really am.

yesterday:
*tv is so loud I can't even hear myself think*
me: MOM YOU DON'T NEED THE TV UP THAT LOUD!
mom: SHUT THE FUCK UP I'M PISSED AT YOU
....i hope she doens't expect me to take care of her when shes old and dying. She also better get used to hospitol food and nursing homes.

the end